It is hard for me to explain this because the term is so common now and I don’t know if any readers will understand, because it might be the only way they think about pregnancy these days: ‘planned’ or ‘unplanned’. I felt very uncomfortable today at the clinic when I was filling out forms and I was asked if this pregnancy is ‘planned’…I asked Luke and we said “yes”, but I wanted to say, “this pregnancy was hoped for, it was a gift from God!” We had been hoping for another baby since last summer. We can’t plan to have a baby a certain month and give birth nine months later though. It just doesn’t happen that way. Even when a woman is not breastfeeding and is in perfect health, the chances of conceiving are not 50-50.
Upon further reflection, it seems to me that this is yet another symptom of society’s rejecting God in everything. The words we use make important impressions on the way we think about things.
Was your baby planned? -is it bad if he wasn’t?
Does your baby sleep through the night? -is it bad if she doesn’t, if she wakes up every once in a while and nurses back to sleep?
Are you pro choice? -do you mean do I support the right to choose raising my baby with my husband, or giving him up for adoption…or do you mean something more sinister?
Do you work? -what does it mean if I don’t work for pay, but my work is infinitely more rewarding, my work is orienting our children toward God and Heaven?
Just a few things to think about…
Seriously, are you kidding me??? How do you make a simple question of whether your pregnancy was planned or not into such a judgemental question??? They are just simply asking whether you were trying to get pregnant or not, trying to find out information to take care of you and your baby. You stated that you were hoping (which I assume means that you were trying) to get pregnant, therefore, answering the simple question of whether you were trying or not should not be so hard or emotional. Either you were trying or not. It doesn’t make you a good or bad person either way. Your post seems very judgemental. I’m praying for you and your family.
The problem with “planned” vs “unplanned” is exactly that it implies it is acceptable for someone to be “not trying” and still get pregnant. Reproduction is the primary end of sex: you simply *don’t* get pregnant without trying (outside of sin, which should obviously not be seen as “normal” or “acceptable” no matter how commonplace).
I hope you understand how extremely judgemental you are making you and your wife sound. Who are you to judge what is acceptable behavior and to say that someone should not be seen as “normal” if they become pregnant without it being “planned”. I understand that you are following your religion but perhaps you should follow your religion and not judge others. Leave that up to God himself. I sure hope that you only had sex 3 times or with the intent to conceive a child or you yourself are living in sin even within the confines of a marriage. People like you should look a little bit closer at their own lives before passing judement on the lives of others. I will be praying for you as it is very clear you are in need of it.
It is up to God. And God made marriage/sex for the purpose of procreation. People who abuse sex condemn themselves. A married couple is obliged to accept children from God, which obviously excludes any attempt to prevent God from giving them children.
What is this “sex 3 times” concept?
This is the first chapter of Mary Ann Kuharski’s book “Parenting with Prayer”, called ‘Don’t You Believe in Family Planning?’
Ask any parents today — especially those daring to have more than the socially “correct” two — if they’ve ever encountered hostility, and chances are you’ll get more than an earful.
“We weren’t prepared for the negative reaction and intimidation,” one young couple of three small preschoolers recalled. “What hurt the most were the remarks made by the very people we thought would be supportive — our own family and friends,” confided the wife.
Listen in during any chat session at a “Mom’s Morning Out” coffee hour at church and you’ll hear the same: Christian couples wishing to have more than the socially “correct” two are challenged and chided as never before.
Part of the problem is a “me-first” culture that projects the notion that having children will drain and deprive you. Sometimes it does. But most of us still believe it’s worth every ounce of effort. More than that, as people of faith we believe that children are a gift from a loving God, to be celebrated and embraced.
The best response we can offer, then, is encouragement and love. After all, if the Christian community does not reach out in support, who will? Perhaps if we’d take the time to congratulate a couple with a newly announced pregnancy, offer food or a baked dish to a young mother, or just let parents know by a card or a squeeze that we share in their joy, the positives would outweigh the negatives.
“I hope you’re not going to give up that wonderful career,” one young friend was told after announcing her pregnancy. Another was warned, “Don’t let yourself get stuck in a rut by being away from the real world for too long.”
And then there are those who treta pregnancy like a condition or disease: “You young people are luckier than we were. You can take something to prevent it.”
One of my college-age daughters once called home and asked, “Did you ever resent setting aside your career just to stay home and take care of us kids?” “What career was that?” I replied. “You mean that piddling little job I once had of pushing papers? I know it looks like all I do around here is wipe bottoms and noses. But believe me, what I’m doing is far more important. I’m raising tomorrow’s future.” And I am.
I must admit that as a “seasoned” mom of many, there are times when even I’ve been caught off guard by some of the queries posed. Normally, I’m polite. I understand that initial reaction: “Thirteen children, I can’t imagine it!” I once couldn’t either!
I confess there’s a devilish side of me that wishes I could offer a teasing response. To the ones who ask, “How did that happen?” I’d like to say, “You mean you don’t know?” And to those who ask, “Do you work besides?” I’d reply, “I used to. But now I just stay home and have babies.”
Apparently some who learn of our family size for the first time automatically conjure up the fairy-tale image of “the old woman in the shoe who had so many children — she didn’t know what to do.” The next question I usually get is, “How big is your house?” or more specifically, “How many bedrooms do you have?” It’s not where they sleep that’s the problem. It’s feeding them and finding them underwear and matching socks that’s driving me nuts.
To those who ask, “They can’t all be yours, can they?” I’d like to respond, “That’s what I keep saying. But they keep showing up for supper and throwing their dirty clothes during the laundry chute.”
Then there are those visionaries who get down to the real problem with housing thirteen children: “You must have a lot of bathrooms?” As if everyone gets the urge at the same time. Actually most parents quickly realize that where there are more than four in a household, there are never enough bathrooms!
“I send the real fidgety ones who look like they can’t hold it another minute over to the neighbors,” I’ve teasingly told a few.
“They don’t all live at home, do they?” is by far the most common question I get. As if no house could hold thirteen growing kids. I’m always tempted to tell people, “Well, actually until we get a couple more bunk beds, we’ve put a few in cold storage in the freezer and a couple in the trunk of the car.” But that wouldn’t be polite and may cuase a few raised eyebrows!
I’m beginning to understand my grandmother’s response to people who asked her how she managed with eight. She would simply reply: “I expect they were outside a lot.” The gutsy lady left inquirers with the notion that after birthing her kids she just let them wander out the back door to fend for themselves, much like a stray dog or cat. Sure doesn’t explain how they all turned into such fine adults.
And then we have the prophets of poverty who write articles warning that it “will cost the average couple $100,000 to raise just one child to age eighteen.” It must drive ‘em crazy to hear of couples like us who are raising a baker’s dozen or more on one income!
My all-time favorite is, “You must have help.” Well, need I say that if here’s anyone who could have used “help,” it’s gotta be me? But it’s a little late for that now.
I don’t mean to lecture, but aren’t we a bunch of wimps and whiners? I mean we’ve got to be living in the softest and cushiest of ages with our automatic everything — from washers and dryers to dishwashers and microwaves — as well as disposables and every other available convenience at our fingertips. Yet we’ve been led to believe that parenting more than one child virtually can’t be done without “help”.
Compared to our grandparents who raised large families and struggled through economic disasters, wars, depression, and unemployment (and considered even one indoor bathroom a convenience), we’ve got it made!
Of course, there are a certain number of people who expect us “moms of more than the acceptable two” to be weary and worn out. Some days we are. Our reward comes, however, in those hugs, laughs, and expressions of love the outside world cannot experience or comprehend.
“You’re John Kuharski’s wife? You’re not at all what I pictured. You’re actually pretty,” one poor woman blurted out at a large social gathering before she could stop herself. Hmmm. The most I could do was smile.
By the way, a new phrase is emerging. Coined by the antifamily “no kids for us” promoters, it’s called “child-free.” One political writer woefully wrote that even in this “progressive age” the thought of a married couple purposefully choosing not to have children is still seen as a negative. (Tsk-tsk.)
In order to change that, she suggests they adopt the theme “child-free” — kind of like the notion of cling=free, smoke-free, caffeine-free, or whatever’s-not-good-for-you-free — forcefully letting us all know they have chosen to remain childless.
It’s sad enough there are organizations like Planned Parenthood (full name: Planned Parenthood Federation of America) that feed off the taxpaying public and use their propaganda, pressure, and prejudice to convince the American people to limit the size of their family (if they must have children at all) to no more than two. But that’s not enough. Some are determined to persuade us that sea porpoises, snail darters, forests, land, water, and ozone layers will only survive and prosper if we become extinct. We’re to believe that “non-parenting” — another of those phrases — is economical, ecological, and certainly more ethical.
It’s no coincidence that along with a radical feminist (antifamily) movement and legalized abortion came groups such as the National Organization of Non-Parents (NON) and Childless by Choice. Even some environmental extremists have gotten into the act by touting bumper stickers and slogans suggesting that “one child or none” is kinder to “mother earth.” Those desiring more often find themselves having to apologize for their lack of “planning.”
I remember the time I was confronted as I waited in a checkout line at a supermarket. A woman walked over to me after noticing my obvious pregnant shape and the four little ones surrounding me, and asked, “Don’t you feel any sense of obligation? Don’t you care at all about others?”
“Sure I do,” I told her. “You should see how many more there are at home!” (I couldn’t resist.) What a twist. I thought that’s what pregnancy and parenting were all about — “caring for others.”
Thankfully, and in spite of the naysayers and propagandists, there will always be those who disregard the doomsayers and have babies. In fact, millions of us consider parenting a vocation from God.
By the way, I must mention that while the “child-free” have to pay to have their furniture distressed, mine is done at no cost. With love and years of handling. Yes, the “child-free” can look forward to winters in warmth, cruises on luxury liners, controlled quiet, uninterrupted careers, programmed aging, and relentless routines.
Not for us. Many of us moms, with our husbands’ sacrifice and support, willingly forgo that “climb to the corporate top” in order to climb the nursery-room stairs. We prefer the unknown, the unexpected, and the unpredictable. Show us a houseful of kids and we see creativity in progress.
To those who know no bounds and ask, “Don’t you believe in family planning?” let’s reassure them that all our kids are planned, perfect, and spaced. By God.